She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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