Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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