..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
