the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
