Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
