I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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