Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i think my cat just said my name.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
