yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
