my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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