You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
