Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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