I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
