omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
