How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
