i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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