My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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