well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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