im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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