I want to make a zoo with you.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
