so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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