I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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