Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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