Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
