sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
