Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
