There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
