i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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