i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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