I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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