Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
