I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
