if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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