you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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