Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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