I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need to calm my uterus...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
