I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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