You smell like stripper and shame
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
