why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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