I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
