the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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