Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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