my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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