Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
