the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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