I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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