listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
