Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
its liver damage thursday
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