she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
