Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
