the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
