There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I met the friendliest cop last night
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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